Ah, happy days…
Do you trust the police?
The man that ordered the shot be taken, Lt. Michael Pigott, was pretty mind-fucked after what happened, culminating in him going to the police locker room, breaking open a locker and stealing a gun (He had had his gun and badge revoked) before he decided on painting the ceiling with a confetti of blood and brain matter. All on his 46th birthday too. SO GOD DAMN CLOSE TO RETIREMENT
Suicide note said he did it for his kids, what a delightful thought for them. He didn’t want them to see him in cuffs or jail he said, but obviously didn’t have the same consideration for in a coffin or mortuary.
Some people can’t understand why I’d smoke so much dope when love and happiness are the greatest drugs in the world. I would love to try them, but I’ve still yet to find a dealer.
One thing that has always intrigued me more than any other social normalities is eye contact. With friends and family eye contact is fine, it gives better social communication and is polite, however eye contact with a stranger, is frowned highly upon, it’s creepy and can’t last for more than a millisecond, and you both know it happened and both feel dirty after.
Now that’s not the whole story for me, see eye contact runs deeper in my thinking, because I hate making eye contact with strangers, it’s like mind rape to me, but I also can’t help but stare at ugly, pretty or just odd people. But a thing with me staring is that I get noticed and eye contact occurs, obviously I immediately look elsewhere, but I wonder if they do to? I’ve never stop to check what the other person in that eye contact situation did, do they hate it as much as me and try and hide, or stare back in reverence? It’s boggled me for time, but I can’t bear to stay and check what the other did, if you gave a stranger eye contact for more than a second, what would happen? It’d be the worst thing ever, it’d be like gang rape, awful and life changing. I need somebody else to check for me.
Anyway, bare licked.
Being out of the loop is sometimes a good thing, sometimes it’s not so great, it’s purely dependant on what loop you’re in or out of. I hate not being in the know, it drives me crazy, but sometimes you hear things you sorta wished you didn’t. Sometimes you get told things that you’d rather ignore, that you’d rather never had been said. Now I know the truth behind ignorance is bliss and now I want to be ignorant again. Well, that was until a wise man told me something inspiring, truly inspiring, on how I can use this to my advantage and make a difference, do something good for a change, and as much as I’d like to go into details, ignorance is bliss, remember?
When I’m left alone I like to think. I think a lot. I think weird things, trust me, you wouldn’t last five minutes in my head. One of the strangest or most alarming things I ponder consistently is that I know I’m not compatible with life, it just won’t work out, at least, I don’t think it will. Why am I non-compatible you ask? Well, it just isn’t for me, the ‘average’ lifestyle that is, you know, working hard to live stable and all that.
I mean, how can that appeal to anyone? Having to do something you hate for the rest of your life just so you can do something you enjoy every once in a while, am I the only one that thinks that is backwards? I can not mentally push myself for that, I know that I should work hard so that I can live easier, but I don’t have the drive for it, I don’t have the dedication for it and I definitely don’t have the determination for it; so where does that leave me?
In a real world limbo, whoopty fucking do. This is it for me, I’m at a lifestyle standstill, I’m stagnant. There’s nothing in my life that I’m working towards, I’m just working on trying to forget that. My life is now just filler, entertainment filler, doing things I enjoy for hours on end just so I don’t have to think about how hopeless the future is, everything I do is just to waste my own time.
It scares me to think how somebody can make it through life with nothing to aim for, no ambitions, no calling, and when I ponder deeply I don’t think anybody can. I think there are other people with my disability in life and they exists the world over, known as the down and outs they come in various forms, you have the homeless, the crazies, the prisoners and the dead, to name just a few. This is honestly where I see myself in ten years time, obviously not something I’ll be blurting out in any job interview.
Now it comes to why I think I’ll be in this group sometime soonish and that is because I don’t trust my own sanity, not for long at least. I can’t predict the future but I certainly understand myself and it feels as if this is where myself is heading. So if you ever trust me on anything, it would be to not trust me with anything.
Or maybe I just need a change of scenery. A big change of scenery.